Why do relationships disconnect?
Being in a positive, loving relationship is one of the five main ways we can
live in a healthy and happy state. Unfortunately, when "bumps in the road" occur in
personal relationships, various unkind and unpleasant emotions arise (depression, sadness, anger, confusion, fear
and anxiety) as well as negative thoughts and unhealthy behaviors. As a result,
one of the main goals in relationship counselling is to support the couple or
client to regain a sense of control and understanding of the
causes of their relationship disconnect. Understanding the "why" greatly
increases the chances of understanding "how" a couple can then reconnect.
In today's ever changing and
sometimes commercially and materialistic driven world, certain stresses and
strain from work can take a toll on our personal, intimate relationships. The struggle to
balance work demands and home obligations are frequently seen as a cause for
relationship counselling. Working long hours, frequent out-of-town traveling, no
time to chat in the day, and little time for family activities can lead to
relationship issues.
Concurrently, such issues as menopause, substance
abuse, health related matters (cancer, injuries), loss of a family member
(unplanned and/or expected deaths), low sex drive, children leaving home for
school overseas, adoption and other typical life events contribute to
relationship disconnections.
However, we have also seen that couples who have
difficulties in communicating and problem solving
are at risk of relationship disconnections (not only once but possibly several
times over their relationship period) as well. Issues such as fear of sharing feelings,
being uncomfortable with conflict, unable to communicate clearly about our needs, using anger and control tactics
to communicate, and the "disease to please others" are typical behaviors that
cause disconnections.
As one can imagine, there are
numerous forces at play (nature and nurture) that can cause unhappy
relationships. Yet, whatever the reason(s) may be as we have shared above or
others not mentioned, those who deny or disregard the disconnections (in other
words, "do nothing") also contribute to the more harmful element of relationship
disconnections; the
build-up of anger and anxiety that can lead to passive-aggressive behaviors and
ongoing sadness that can lead to self medicating behaviors such as over eating
and alcohol abuse. Eventually what was
once possible (the reconnection) is now viewed as impossible.
Happy marriages begin when we marry the ones we love, and they blossom when we
love the ones we marry.
To get divorced because love has died, is like
selling your car because it's run out of gas.
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Relationship Counselling at SJCS
Relationship counselling at SJCS is available for
adults (Chinese and English speaking clients) who are single, living with a partner,
contemplating marriage (pre-marital counselling), married or experiencing a
possible break-up or divorce. Our relationship counselling is not about "who is right, who is wrong," but instead, our focus is to empower our clients to become
more aware of the causes of their emotions, the motivators behind their
thoughts, and the consequences of their chosen behaviors (verbal and body).
Our relationship counselling centers on building
relationships and/or reconnecting relationships around a communicative, loving,
fun, kind and intimate model to not only increase a person's happiness
and health,
but also to enhance their job performance, parenting skills and abilities, creativity,
motivation, and personal growth.
Our relationship counselling services provide the
following programs:
1. Pre-marital:
couples who enroll in this program receive an official
certificate and documentation from St. John's Cathedral and St. John's
Counselling Service upon completion for use in most churches and religious
centers around the world. The program
prepares couples for the wonderful opportunities and challenges in married life,
exploring such topics as conflict management, family planning, sexuality,
understanding life cycles and human change, happiness models, work-life balance,
parenting, communication skills, financial management, and emotional
intelligence;
2. Reconnecting:
this service is for couples who are experiencing distress and/or disconnections in
their current relationship and desire a safe, structured, caring environment to
resolve conflict and reconnect. Participants will experience thru a positive
psychology and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) model that explores not only why couples are disconnected, but more
importantly, how couples can reconnect thru a happiness model to further enrich
their commitment and bonds;
3. Empty Nest: a
program for couples who are preparing for their children to no longer live at
home (kids off to boarding school or children who have married and moved on) as
well as for those couples preparing for retirement and living alone. The program focuses on how
to structure their daily lives without children in the home and still find
happiness, harmony and joy with "it's just you and I;"
4. Intimacy Builders:
fun and exciting program at SJCS for Chinese and English speaking couples who desire to revitalize
their marriage or relationship. An effective program for those couples who have
noticed their professional lives have overtaken time and resources from their
romantic lives, helping couples rediscover intimacy, fun and a balance in work and
home life;
5. Parenting:
another valuable program at St. john's Counselling Service, assisting women who are
experiencing depression as a result of miscarriage, pregnancy terminations or
"postpartum blues." The program also helps first time parents how to prepare for
the two roles of Daddy or Mommy (nurturing) and Male Parent or Female
Parent (guidance) as well as how to handle stress, the naughty child and
the terrible teens;
6. Sexuality: often
confused as the only type of intimacy (actually there are 5), we provide
counselling for couples and individuals who want to better understand the
dynamic and fulfilling world of sexuality, both the joys in the bedroom as well as how
sexuality changes as we grow older (and hopefully wiser).
For further information, please contact us at
info@sjcshk.com.
All inquiries are confidential and we are a positive psychology - happiness
model counselling
centre.
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Fast Facts on Relationship Counselling
1. How long does the relationship counselling take?
Each couple or individual will have their own current and past issues to explore in a careful
but moving forward manner. Counselling can usually take 3 to 6 months with
weekly sessions.
2. What if my partner doesn't want to come but I
do?
Ideally both partners in counselling optimizes
the growth and happiness opportunities for that relationship, however, if one partner is ready and the
other is not, that partner who is ready can still benefit from relationship
counselling.
3. Is it true relationship counselling is like a
battle between "he said - she said" with the counsellor?
The focus in relationship counselling is NOT to label one partner as
"the problem partner," instead, the intent is on a) reducing
anger or depression, b) clarifying the bumps in the road, c) learning
communication, negotiating and problem solving skills in relationships, d) reaffirming
each other's needs and what each
partner is willing to give for a happy, loving and safe relationship and e) rebuilding intimacy,
fun, trust and nurturing.
4. Is relationship counselling expensive since we have to come for at least 3 to
6 months?
At St. John's Counselling Service, all our counselling services are provided on a
sliding fee scale to make the counselling affordable in order that our clients
can carry-on in counselling without worrying about running out of money before
their goals have been achieved.
5. Can relationship counselling be done in Chinese as well as in English?
Yes, we have both English and Chinese speaking counselling professionals at
SJCS.
6. Is relationship counselling helpful with couples who have experienced
infidelity?
Trust, nurturing and intimacy are the 3 key elements for a happy marriage (along
with fun and kindness). When trust has been broken by infidelity, the other
positive elements of a relationship can be greatly affected, often times causing
other emotions like anger, depression or fears. Relationship counselling can be a safe,
structured, healing way to reduce the sandstorm effect of those emotions and
allow couples to better understand the reasons for the infidelity (the
disconnection), and how the couple can seek out opportunities for reconnecting.
7. Do you use Christian or some other type of religious principles in your
relationship counselling?
Our relationship counselling service is non-denominational even though our
counsellors are from various religious and non-religious orientations. For those
couples or individuals who desire spiritual counselling, we are more than glad
to refer them to
qualified pastoral counsellors at St. John's Cathedral.
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